if not for the few mugs of beer i tar-ed at wrench pub today,
i think i'd die of lack of alcohol.

beauty queen of only eighteen she,
had some trouble with herself.

and now im back home,
smelling of alcohol and smoke,
and trying to study.

he was always there to help her she,
always belonged to someone else.

i think im gonna head javen kor's advice and go head for a bathe before i actually start contemplating to study in this state.

i drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door,
ive had you so many times but somehow i want more.

my parent are flying overseas for a grand ten days starting monday,
and why do i not seem to be excited over the extra freedom that i'd be having.
maybe its just that i cant stand people not trusting me,
and showing that they actually dont straight in my face. period.

i don't mind spending everyday,
out on your corner in the pouring rain.
look for the girl with the broken smile,
ask her if she wants to stay around.

school and life has been pretty much of a wretched bitch.
except for the fact that ld drama fire prevention's got first runner-up. (:
(congratulations my beautiful juniors)
and haha i actually contibuted by being their keyboardist.
it wasnt an easy feat okay!
to actually learn a piano piece one day before the freaking finals,
and then heading down with them to play it during the skit.
when i have absolutely no musical background
(except before i quit grade one piano about like 10 years ago)

and she will be loved,
and she will be loved.

haha ive had some cashflow problems recently,
but i think im gonna tide through that soon.

tap on my window,
knock on my window i,
want to make you feel beautiful.
i know i tend to get so insecure,
but it doesnt matter anymore.

and i know this entire post doesnt make sense so,
it'll probably waste your time just reading this.
check back another time if you're expecting one of my usual emo posts.
and so sorry that this disclaimer came abit too late.

it's not always rainbows and butterflies,
its compromise that moves us along.
my heart is full and my door's always open,
you can come anytime you want.

and i must apologise because im blogging this in the middle of my half KO (knocked-out) state.
now how i love the wonders of alcohol.

i know where you hide,
alone in your car,
know all of the things that make you who you are.
i know that goodbye means nothing at all,
comes back and begs me to catch her everytime she falls.

and im so in love with "she will be loved" by maroon 5 because the lyrics is so beautiful.

tap on my window,
knock on my door i,
want to make you feel beautiful.

and she will be loved,
and she will be loved.

leaving is such a frightening thought.

and thats what i just realise during the eldds elections stage interview today.

when i was guarding the door and looking at my beloved juniors going up one by one to go through the stage interview for elections,
i started having this feeling of nostalgic and nausea.
which was more i couldnt differentiate.

then i had this blur vision of myself walking up stage when i was a few years younger right infront of the entire sec four and the rest of ld,
and answering all the questions to prove my worth and convince the people why i should be in the comm.

it was bloody nerve wrecking,
the part about walking up stage with thousands of eyes staring at you and answering all those questions and hoping you dont fuck it up too badly.

but strangely enough,
i felt happy.

i felt happy and beaming with pride and this strong undying passion for ld when i walked up,
and that sort of helped soothe my nerves a little.
and thats how i go through stage interviews year by year,
walking up stage and feeling this strong feeling of love and passion for ld,
like im ready to go up and confess to the entire world that i love ld with all my heart and soul.

and somehow im standing at this position,
looking at all my juniors going up stage one by one,
just like how i did before.

and i see myself through their eyes,
how the sec fours are leaving,
and handing over the entire ld to them.
for them to create more miracles in the future,
like how our seniors once did,
and how we did.

and then i feel this pang of reluctance to leave.
and i find myself desperately clinging onto my cca of four years,
and my school of ten years.

and then i had this flashback of myself four years ago,
studying for my psle.

i was determined to get into stnicks secondary from stnicks primary,
and i was obsessedly in love with the school.

and one two months before my psle,
i locked myself in my room everyday just to study.
and i refused to allow myself out to play,
all because i want to come back into the school.

and i made it.

i came back,
through sheer hardwork and sweat.

and i had this other flashback of myself at sec one cca auditions.

i was so afraid of fucking my entire audition up,
and i remember the fear, agony, tears and the crazy desire to get into ld.

and i got in,
and i had never before been so happy in my life to be accepted into something.

and then i had this flashback of myself buying my first orange bowl in primary one,
and i was so afraid of toppling the bowl over.

and then i had this flashback of myself with all my friends in school,
and i felt like dying when i realise we're gonna be separated so soon.

and standing right there looking at my entire school life flash back before my eyes,
a huge wave of nostalgia overwhelmed me and i was just thinking,
how fast time can run before we even noticed its there.

and thats when i just realised how much im gonna miss all these things that we call "shit" and never once gave much of a damn about.

because cliche as it sounds,
the fact will always remain true that

its only until you're about to lose or lost something, then you'll finally realise how much it actually means to you.

i have an infatuation for tuna shirts.

tuna shirts meaning, shirts with the tuna print on them.
it kinda has this huge tuna word and then a tuna logo ontop of it.
and the design actually looks kinda like puma.

hahaha i bought a whole load of them from bangkok the last time i was there.
the same shirt,
in a few different colours.

yes i know, tell me im insane please.

but i actually think they look good,
and the tuna logo thing is actually kinda cute haha.

school has been rather fine lately except for some hiccups here and there.
but like what i always say,
"no worries, i'll live."

hiccups here and there,
and one of them is regarding my hair colour.
because according to a certain interesting teacher it actually looks "brighter than the sun".
interesting!
ive never had a second person describe my hair in that same fashion.

my hair colour is natural,
just TRY to believe me in that.

and the rest are just mainly just the insane number of tests we have every damn day.
i can just see shann's shocked look when she disappeared from school for a week (the first week of school to be precise) when i messaged her to tell her what tests we have.

imagine this, this week alone we had three tests on tuesday, one on wed and one on thurs.
monday being a holiday to mug for the tests,
and friday being a day for you to sleep your ass off before you start losing ALL your sleep to study for the tests again.

haha check this out,
i didnt sleep a wink on monday,
and i dont think im gonna be catching a wink today either.

didnt sleep a wink meaning, staying up all night all the way till 6am in the morning and then you just go straight to get ready for school.

haha and i never had a more interesting year in my ten years of stnicholas.

and im completely obsessed with my emperor's cloak. (FIAALBOV ld 2006 production)

i think that is the coolest, blackest, and loveliest cloak any emperor can ever have.

if only not that i have no use, and will never have use for it,
and that since its custom made i have to put it in the ld room,
i swear i will frame that shit up and stare at it every single day of my life.

but anyway!
there ARE perks when you come to school because milo dinosaur completely brightens up my day. (:

if not only that they only sell them after school,
and i only have such a short time after school to be in love and date my milo dinosaur (lovingly sold by uncle mobeen's refreshment stall),
i swear ill be goddamn happy every minute of my life.

yes that is how much im obsessed with mobeen's milo dinosaur.

especially when they add on more powder,
and its such sweetness when i taste it in my mouth, my tongue.
now that's my darling milo dinosaur.

hahaha i sound like a country bumpkin drinking milo dinosaur for the first time.

and my darling milo dinosaur is one of the reasons why i keep staying in school for night study nowadays.
of cos apart from the reason that the school canteen can be such a serene place for studying when its late at night and no one's in school anymore except the sec fours who stayed for night study, and that its actually quite nice to be studying with your friends around, working hard together and all that cheesy shit,
my lovely milo dinosaur is what keeps me going on!

and i love that ringing of the end-extended-lessons-bell
and then its bringing your books down to the canteen where there's absolutely no one around except for the night study girls and you comfortably take a seat in any place you want to,
and then ill buy my milo dinosaur and sit down to study.
and i actually seem to study more now that i keep attending night study sessions.

and now i absolutely adore watching the sunset in school.

for some reason or another i found myself back into blogger.com so i just decided to blog.
it's times like this when its 3am in the night and you're supposedly up studying with your books open right infront of you and then you start blog-hopping and you let your subconcious mind take over yourself and you start blogging yourself.

yes i know i havent been blogging for what, 2-3 months already.
and that's all because i THOUGHT my comp broke down.

yes, thought.

when i switched on my comp,
it told me that they couldnt log into my profile user,
and threw me at default user or some shit like that.
and when the page load, it looked so naked and unfamiliar i thought i'd lost all my files, songs, photos and what-have-yous and so i decided to just stop using my comp cos im so sick of my comp breaking down every month.

and for some strange reason or another,
i decided to switch on my comp just a few days ago and i realise my comp's actually really fine, with all my files still intact and its just the profile user thing which doesnt affect me much and i dont really care much about which profile am i log on to in my own comp so yes.
im finally back with comp, and blogging.

and i thought that was an entire chunk of shit which nobody is going to find interesting to read.

its 3.10 and i have yet to really get down to doing much work except what,
a few mcqs here and there.

haha i totally rock my sec four life.

but it's always nights like these when you resolve that you'll put thorns and spikes all around your bed and decided to stay up and study,
and then you get so frustrated with yourself you get up to get yourself some bailey's to drink,
in hope that your favourite alcoholic drink will (somehow) help,
and then your beloved sister walks into your room and casually reminds you that she bought your favourrrriitttteeeee hot cocoa with marshmallows that makes such nights all the more bearable.

what a sweet night,
with me staying up all by myself,
with my biology book,
my lovely hot cocoa with marshmallows,
and "straightjacket feeling" on replay.